My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
