and i looked up. we had an audience...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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