we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
