I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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