At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I checked into jail on foursquare
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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