Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
