are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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