it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
