note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize