saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
