Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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