I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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