I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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