if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
