dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
