My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
