Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
