Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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