can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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