Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
