What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
