im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How does one acquire holy water?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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