Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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