He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
