My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
