Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
