I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
