what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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