I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
