So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
