We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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