I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
