i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
