I can text with my tongue
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
