1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
