i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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