Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
