there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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