he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
