I should be sponsored by Trojan
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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