I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
