I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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