Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
