he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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