im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up under a house in Key West
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