I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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