You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She's the barista slut.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
