but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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