So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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