It's like God shit irony all over that family
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
