spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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