There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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